From the
JOKIN' AROUND DISK
by
LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
South Australia. 5159.
Q: What's the difference between death and taxes?
A: Congress can't make death any worse than it is.
Q: What is the similarity between hemorrhoids and cowboy hats?
A: Sooner or later, every asshole has one!
Q: What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: "I don't know, and I don't care."
Q: Hear about the new television show about yuppies in Alaska?
A: It's called "WD-30something"
Q: How can you tell if a kid is a loser?
A: The kid is kidnapped, and they put his picture on a MILK DUDS carton.
Q: What do the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
A: They both go to Uranus to wipe out the cling-ons.
Q: What do 40 battered women have in common?
A: They don't listen.
Q: What's the difference between the Panama canal and Miss America?
A: The Panama canal is a busy ditch.
Q: Why don't U.S. senators ever use bookmarks?
A: They like their pages bent.
Q: What does a baby diaper and your boss have in common?
A: They are both all over your ass and usually full of shit!
[33m
SSSSSS EEEEEEEE XX XX UU UU AA LL
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SS EE XXXX UU UU AA AA LL
SSSSSS EEEEE XX UU UU AA AA LL
SS EE XXXX UU UU AAAAAAAA LL
SS SS EE XX XX UU UU AA AA LL
SSSSSS EEEEEEEE XX XX UUUUUU AA AA LLLLLLLL
[0m
Q: How do you tell if your girlfriend is ticklish?
A: Give her a couple "test-tickles".
Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
A: Because when the dragged them by the feet, they filled up with dirt.
Q: What comes out of an erect penis?
A: Wrinkles!
Q: Did you hear about the new edition of Playboy for married men?
A: It has the same centerfold every month.
Q: Did you hear about the girl with tits on her back?
A: She wasn't much to look at but she was great to slow dance with.
Q: What is the difference between a circus and a chorus line?
A: The first is an array of cunning stunts.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: What do balloons and virgins have in common?
A: One prick and its gone.
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?"
A: "Honey, I'm home."
Q: What's red and has 7 dents?
A: Snow White's cherry
Q: How do you make paper dolls?
A: Screw an old bag
Q: How can you tell which is the Head nurse?
A: She's the one with dirty knees
Q: What do you do when your kotex catches fire?
A: Throw it on the floor and tampon it
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob?
A: The blowjob. You can beat your wife, eggs or meat; but you just can't beat
a blowjob.
Q: What's the definition of a virgin?
A: An ugly third grader
Q: What do you call this? (Stick out tongue)
A: A lesbian with a hard-on
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: "Hold onto your nuts! This ain't gonna be no ordinary blowjob."
Q: What do you call a female clone?
A: A clunt.
Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: A piece of ass that makes your eyes water.
Q: What are the two greatest lies?
A: "The check is in the mail," and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth."
Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
A: "Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!"
Q: What's another reason God created the orgasm?
A: Because he couldn't wait for the second coming.
Q: Why is being a dick not all it's cracked up to be?
A: First of all you have a head but no brains; there's a couple of nuts
following you around all the time; your next door neighbor is an asshole
and you best friend is a cunt.
Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q: What's the hardest thing about a sex change from a man to a woman?
A: Inserting the anchovies.
Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend is ugly?
A: When she's having an artificial insemination, and the syringe goes limp!
Q: How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.
Q: What's the difference between a cunt and a pussy?
A: A pussy is that nice warm thing you cuddle up to at night, a cunt is what it
is attached to.
Q: When does a cubscout become a boyscout?
A: When he eats his first brownie.
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Cause it's no big deal unless your not getting any!
Q: What do they call a black man with a white penis?
A: A polish coal miner who's been home for lunch.
Q: What is the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: You can always find a girl who'll blow your paycheck for you.
Q: Did you hear about the girl who gave up bowling for sex?
A: The balls were lighter and she didn't have to change her shoes!
Q: What's better than having a rose on your piano?
A: Having Tulips on your organ.
Q: How are an oven and a woman alike?
A: You have to get them both hot before you stick the meat in.
Q: How can you tell when you've had a really good blowjob?
A: You have to pull the sheets out of your ass.
Q: What has 100 teeth and can hold back a huge monster?
A: My zipper.
Q: Do you know what a guy with a big 12 inch cock has for breakfast?
A: "Well let's see, this morning I had two eggs, toast, coffee..."
Q: How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
A: "Pi'tew...spit...pi'tew...spit..."
Q: Why do women sky divers wear tampons?
A: So they won't whistle on the way down.
Q: Why do women have two holes on the bottom?
A: So when they get drunk at a party, you can carry them home like a six-pack.
Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through a 20 ft. garden
hose?
A: "Darling", "Sweetheart", "Precious", whatever it takes.
Q: How can you tell if a ballerina isn't wearing panties?
A: When she does a split and sticks to the floor.
Q: What is the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: Why is being in the Army like a PG movie?
A: Too much violence and not enough sex.
Q: What is the difference between like and love?
A: Spit and swallow.
Q: How do you go about screwing a 400-pound woman?
A: Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.
Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?
A: When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo
Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A: They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
Q: What do you call a shipment of vibrators?
A: "Toys for twats".
Q: Do you know why Santa Claus doesn't have any children?
A: Because, he only comes once a year and then it's down a chimney.
Q: What's the difference between masturbation and Basketball?
A: In Basketball, you dribble before you shoot.
Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush!
Q: Why is eating pussy like dealing with the mafia?
A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Q: What's hard and straight going in, and soft and sticky coming out?
A: Chewing gum.
Q: Why do they address cars as "she"?
A: Because, just like your wife, on a cold morning when you really need it,
she won't turn over.
Q: Did you hear about the new designer condoms?
A: They're called "Sergio Prevente."
Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids.
Q: What's worse than lipstick on your collar?
A: Leg makeup on your ears.
Q: What's twelve inches long and white?
A: Nothing.
Q: What do you call Miss Piggy's douche?
A: "Hog wash!"
Q: What did Miss Piggy say when Gonzo called her?
A: "I can't talk right now - I've got a frog in my throat."
Q: What do you do in the event of fallout?
A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
Q: Why did God give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.
Q: What do you call a pussy that takes messages for you?
A: An answering cervix.
Q: What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday?
A: Mikey...He'll eat anything.
Q: What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive foam?
A: A spermicidal maniac.
Q: Know what is the square root of 69?
A: Ate something.
Q: What is the speed limit of sex?
A: 68, at 69 you have to turn around!
Q: Why can women only go 68 mph on the highway?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.
Q: Why do women like to play PacMan?
A: It's the only way they know of to get eaten three times for a quarter.
Q: Why do men like to play Pinball?
A: It's the only way they can get five balls for a quarter.
Q: What are two things in the air that can make a woman pregnant?
A: Her legs.
Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
A: You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball!
Q: What's the difference between trash and a sorority girl?
A: Trash sometimes gets picked up.
Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Lamborghini?
A: Not everyone has been in a Lamborghini!
Q: What does a sorority girl do when she wakes up?
A: She goes home!
Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you use it!
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Tie them together, make it a tire, and call it a good year.
Q: Why do Valley Girls use two diaphragms?
A: "Fur Shur, Fur Shur."
Q: Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
A: Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the job still sucks!
Q: When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
Q: What do soy beans and vibrators have in common?
A: They're both meat substitutes.
[33mBaby Jokes.[0m
What's red and sits in a corner?
A baby playing with a razor blade.
What's red and sits in a corner?
A baby shaving its head with a potato peeler.
What's blue and sits in a corner?
A baby playing with a plastic bag.
What's green and sits in a corner?
The same baby three weeks later.
What's black and sits in a corner?
A baby with it's finger in a power point.
What's more fun than nailing a baby to a wall?
Ripping it off again.
What's more fun than spinning a baby on a clothes hoist at 100mph?
Stopping it with a cricket bat.
Why did the baby cross the road?
It was nailed to the chicken.
What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of marbles?
You can't load marbles with a pitchfork.
What's green and spins around at 100mph?
A frog in a blender.
What's red and spins around at 100mph?
A baby that's crawled in after it.
What's black and spins around slowly?
A foetus in a rotisserie.
What do you call two abortions in a bucket?
Blood brothers.
What's blue and yellow and floats at the bottom of the pool?
A baby with slashed water-wings.
Why couldn't the baby turn around in the hallway?
He had a javelin through his neck.
What's black and bobs up and down?
A baby in a toaster.
What's the difference between an abortion and sand?
You can't eat sand.
What's BABYLON?
The stuff you spray on babies before you iron them.
What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
What squeals and goes around at 100mph?
A baby in an electric fan.
What's more fun than a barrel full of dead babies?
A barrel full of dead babies with a live one on the bottom trying to get up.
How do you get a baby out of a blender?
With a straw.
What's got four wheels, smokes and squeals?
A bus load of babies on fire.
What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.
What's brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.
What's better than a baby in a bucket?
The same baby in two buckets.
What event nearly could have changed the course of history?
The dingo of Bethlehem.
What's the best babysitter you can get?
A dingo.
How do you bring up a baby?
Kick a dingo in the stomach.
Why is it so hard to breed dingoes?
It takes 9 months to grow the food.
What's a baby in a pram near Ayres Rock?
Meals on Wheels.
What's the definition of revenge?
A baby with a dingo in it's mouth.
Mummy! Mummy! I keep running around in circles.
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
Mummy! Mummy! I hate Daddy's guts.
Well push them to the side of the plate dear and eat the vegetables.
Mummy! Mummy! It's hot in here.
Shut up or I'll close the oven door as well.
Mummy! Mummy! Daddy's going out.
Shut up and put some more petrol on him.
Mummy! Mummy! I don't wanna go to America.
Shut up kid and keep swimming.
Mummy! Mummy! Can I lick out the bowl?
No! Flush it out like everybody else!
Mummy! Mummy! It's hot in here - can I come out?
No! Do you want the fire to spread to the rest of the house as well?
What's black and hops around?
Skippy in a bushfire.
Why have ducks got flat feet?
To stamp out burning kangaroos.
What do you use a wombat for?
Playing "WOM"!
Why did the leper leave the party?
Because they kept on dipping Jatz in his back.
What's green and hangs between two sticks?
A rotting cripple.
What's the smallest pub in the world?
The Thalidomide Arms.
Lepers playing poker:
One threw in his hand. The other laughed his head off.
Why did the prostitute leave the leper colony?
Business kept dropping off.
Why did the leper fail the driving test?
He left his foot on the clutch.
What happened to the masturbating leper?
He pulled himself to bits.
How do you make porridge?
Put a leper in a pot and stir.
What's a leper's worst enemy?
An Ethiopian with a spoon.
How do you make a skeleton?
Put a leper in a wind tunnel.
How do you make sausage?
Put a leper in a wind tunnel with a sock at the other end.
What do you call an English leper?
Tommy Rot.
What goes in but doesn't come out?
A leper.
How do you make spaghetti?
Hit a leper over the head with a tennis racquet.
What's green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
What's red and hangs from trees?
A monkey's miscarriage.
What's red and crawls up a woman's leg?
Homesick afterbirth.
How do you know when your garden has aids ??
When the pansys die first.
Footnote aids also means acquired income deficiency syndrome.
Old footballers never die
They just play rugby..
Did you know that New Zealand is the only country where you can go into a
Venus shop and buy a blow-up sheep ??
Why do Kiwi's fuck sheep on the edge of cliffs ?
They push back harder !!
How do you know when an Irishman has been using a computer ??
When you find liquid-paper over the screen !!!
What did pinochio say to his girlfriend ???
Sit on my face and I will tell you a lie...
What do you call a black in the South ??( the southern US)
Stranded !!
What is a Darwin cocktail.... A Jin and a blanket
What is the worst thing you can call someone.... an ankel...why... because
it`s 3 feet lower than a cunt
How do you tell a bride at a Polish wedding... She`s the one with the clean
bowling shirt and sequened tennis shoes
How do you keep the flys off the bride at a Polish wedding... Put a bucket of
shit in the corner... whats the matter with that?... Most of the guests think
it`s a dip
How do you tell the mother of the bride at an abo wedding... She's the one
with new thongs.
Whats worse than finding a pile of dead babies... Finding a pile of dead
babies and one on the bottom eating it`s way out.
What did the storm say to the coconut tree?
You better hold onto your nuts tonight because it's going to be one hell of
a blow job.
If a man sleeps with a woman he gets syphallis if he sleeps with
a man he gets AIDS and if he sleeps by himself he gets R.S.I. !!
(Repetitive Strain Injury - i.e. forgets to change hands at 99 !!)
How do you tell if your best friends gay?
When you go down to suck his cock and it smells of shit.
How do you tell if your girlfriends fat?
When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo.
What do you call an abbo with a job........A liar
Why do birds fly upside down over Italy?.....Italians aren't worth shiting on.
What is a Darwin cocktail ?....... A Gin and a blanket
Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years ?
Because someone dropped a dollar coin.
How do you tell a bull dyke ?
She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
What sort of woman is a perfect ten ?
She's about waist high with no teeth and a flat head to rest your drink on.
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a peanut butter sandwich ?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
What do you have when you have two little green balls in your hand ?
Kermit's undivided attention.
Why did God invent women ?
Because sheep can't cook.
How do you catch hearing AIDS ?
Listening to arseholes!
[33mFamous People [0m
Q.Whats the difference between Britt Ekland and Ayers Rock?
A.Not everyones climbed on top of ayers rock.
Q.What's the difference between Joan Collins and a bowling ball?
A.You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.
Q.What have Niki Lauda and Hot-Lips Hoolihan got in common?
A.They've both been fucked by Major Burns
Q.What goes into 13 six time?
A.Roman Polanski.
Q.What would it take to get the Beatles back together?
A.Three bullets.
Q.What's red and white and lies in the gutter?
A.John Lennon.
Q.What do you call a dog with Wings?
A.Linda McCartney.
Q.What's black and smells like fish?
A.Tina Tuna.
Q.How did AIDS get into America?
A.Up the Hudson.
Q.What have Rock Hudson and Muhammad Ali got in common?
A.They've both been badly battered around the ring.
Q.Why did they lie Rock Hudson face down in his casket?
A.So his friends could recognise him.
Q.Why does Nancy Reagan climb on top for sex?
A.Because Ronnie can only screw up.
Q.Did you hear about Ronald Reagan's bowel transplant?
A.The bowel rejected him.
Q.What does Boy George have for breakfast?
A.Smack, Crackle, Pop.
Q.What's the difference between mother Theresa and a rubber tyre?
A.Ever had mother Theresa go down on you?
[33mMiscellaneous Tragedies[0m
Q.What's deadlier than a Sydney Funnel-web?
A.A Malaysian trapdoor.
Q.What's the difference between Bernard King and the space shuttle Challenger?
A.Bernard King teaches cooks....
Q.What was the worst thing about the Challenger disaster?
A.It only killed seven Americans.
Q.What were they drinking aboard the doomed shuttle mission?
A.Seven-Up with a dash of Teachers.
Q.What's black and runs across the dessert at 180KPH?
A.An Ethiopian with a McDonalds voucher.
Q.What do you call an Ethiopian with a rat?
A.A vegetarian.
Q.What do you call an Ethiopian with two rats?
A.A caterer.
Q.What's a fart in Ethiopia?
A.A status symbol.
Q.What's the best thing about a blowjob from an Ethopian woman?
A.You know she'll swallow.
Q.Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquakes?
A.It did $100 Million worth of improvements.
Q.What do you call an Ethiopian in Mexico City?
A.A stick in the mud.
Q.Who killed more Indians than John Wayne?
A.Union Carbide.
[33mHandicaps [0m
Q.What do you do if you find an epileptic having a fit in your bath?
A.Throw in your washing.
Q.What does it say on a negro epileptic's ID card?
A.Help, I'm not breakdancing.
Q.What do you give a deaf, dumb and blind Thalidomide victim for Christmas?
A.Cancer.
Q.What turns a nine stone weakling into a 16-stone man of steel?
A.Polio.
Q.What's the hardest thing about cooking vegetables in a microwave?
A.Getting the wheelchair through the door.
Q.Did you hear about the spastic who won a disco competition?
A.He only got up to get a drink.
Q.What's endless love?
A.Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
Q.What's black and bumps into pianos?
A.Ray Charles.
Q.Did you hear about the Hellen Keller Doll?
A.You wind her up and she walks into walls.
Q.Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's nappies?
A.So she could always find him.
Q.Did you hear about the blind man who got a cheese grater for Christmas?
A.It was the most violent book he'd ever read.
Q.Why do farts smell?
A.So deaf people can enjoy them too.
[33mPure prejudice[0m
Q.How do you start a New Zealander in a small business?
A.Give him a big business and let him take it from there.
Q.How do you know if your house has been burgled by a Kiwi?
A.Your cat's been raped and your thongs are missing.
Q.What's it impossible to find in New Zealand?
A.Virgin wool.
Q.Why wasn't Christ born in New Zealand?
A.Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q.What's the difference between a Kiwi and a computer?
A.You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q.What do you call a Maori in a suit?
A.The defendant.
Q.What do you get if you cross a New Zealander with an Aboroginal?
A.Someone who's too lazy to steal.
Q.What's the difference between the Millford track & the Aussie cricket team?
A.Not everyone's walked over the Millford track.
Q.What's an Australian man's definition of foreplay?
A."You awake?"
Q.What's a Tasmanian man's idea of foreplay?
A."You awake, Mum?"
Q.What's a Tasmanian virgin?
A.A girl who can run faster than her father and brothers.
Q.How does a Tasmanian know if his mother is menstruating?
A.His brother's dick tastes different.
Q.Did you hear about the two aboriginals on That's Incredible?
A.One didn't drink and the other one had a job.
Q.What do you call an aboriginal in a Rolls Royce?
A.A thief.
Q.What's an aboriginal vibrator?
A.Eighty blowflies in a sherry bottle.
Q.What did Jesus say on the cross to the aboriginals?
A."Don't do anything until I come back."
Q.Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
A.Because you can't fit that much shit in a shoe.
Q.Why do italian boys grow moustaches?
A.So they can be like their mothers.
Q.Why do birds fly upside down over Italy?
A.Because there's nothing worth shitting on.
Q.What's a Greek tragedy?
A.Haemorrhoids.
Q.What's a Greek ten?
A.The back of a "4".
Q.What do you throw a drowning vietnamese?
A.His wife and family.
Q.Why do Pakistanis carry shit in their wallets?
A.For identification.
Q.Why don't Americans get piles?
A.Because they're perfect arseholes.
Q.Why do Negroes have sex on the brain?
A.Because they've got pubic hair on their heads.
Q.What do you get if you cross a black whore with a Chinese?
A.A maid that sucks your shirts.
Q.What's black and brown and looks good on a negro?
A.A Dobermann.
Q.How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.Ten. One to do it and nine to share the experience.
Q.How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.You don't have to change it - they all glow in the dark.
Q.How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.Ten. One to hold and nine to turn the ladder.
Q.What do you get if you cross an Italian with a Jew?
A.A cleaner who thinks he owns the building.
Q.How can you tell a Jew from an Italian?
A.The Jew's the one in the italian suit.
Q.What do you call Israeli paratroopers?
A.Air pollution.
Q.What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby?
A.A girl.
[33mAnimals [0m
Q.What's yellow and smells like bananas?
A.Monkey vomit.
Q.Why do dogs lick their dicks?
A.Because they can.
Q.What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A.A few lines of coke and about ten drinks.
Q.What do elephants use as tampons?
A.Sheep.
Q.What's green and smells like pork?
A.Kermit's finger.
Q.Why are camels called ships of the desert?
A.Because they're always full of Arab semen.
[33mSexual Prejudice[0m
Q.Why was alcohol invented?
A.So fat, ugly women can get laid.
Q.Why do women have legs?
A.So they don't leave snail tracks.
Q.Why do women have fingers?
A.Because sheep can't type.
Q.Why are women's vaginas and anuses so close together?
A.So you can pick them up like a six pack.
Q.What's the hardest thing about a sex change operation?
A.Sewing in the anchovies.
Q.What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A.After five years your job still sucks.
Q.What should women wear behind their ears to make them more attractive?
A.Their knees.
Q.How do you give a woman a great orgasm?
A.Who cares?
Q.How many radical feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.That's not funny!
Q.Why do Australian men come so quickly?
A.Because they can't wait to get down the to pub to tell their mates.
Q.What's a poofter?
A.An Australian man who likes his women better than his beer.
Q.Is it better to be born black or homosexual?
A.Black. That way you don't have to break the news to your parents.
Q.What's a homosexual masochist?
A.A sucker for punishment.
Q.How do you know if you've walked into a lesbian bar?
A.Even the pool table hasn't got balls.
[33mMiscellaneous[0m
Q.What's blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A.A baby with slashed floaties.
Q.What's crunchy and taps on glass?
A.A baby in a microwave.
Q.What's better than sex with a 16-year old girl?
A.Nothing.
Q.How do you get a nun pregnant?
A.Fuck her.
Q.What's a dirty bastard?
A.A kid that farts in church at his parents wedding.
Q.What's a lousy lay?
A.A man who screws you all night with a 3 inch dick then kisses you goodbye
with a 12 inch tongue.
Q.What's invisible and smells like dogfood?
A.A pensioner's fart.
Q) How can you tell when you're in a lesbian bar???
A) When even the pool table doesn't have balls!
Q: What would it take to get the Beatles back together ?
A: 3 bullets
Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
A: Because they can.
Q: Whats pink and has seven dents in it???
A: Snow Whites hymen!
Q: Why did the Cane Toad cross the road???
A: To see his flat mates!!!!
Q: How do you make a hormone??
A: Dont pay!!!!!!!!
Q: What does a vegeterian canibal eat?
A: The mushrooms between his toes...
Q] What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A] A flat minor!!
Q] What do you call an Italian refridgerator?
A] Ice-a-Box.
Q] What do you call an Italian woman?
A] Nice-a-Box!!
Q] 3 gays, what do you call the one in the middle?
A] A Double Adaptor.
Q] Why did the pervert cross the road?
A] 'Cause his knob was stuck in the chicken!
Q] What do you get when you cross a gorilla with an Aborigine?
A] A dumb gorilla!
Q] What have an ice-hockey player and a South African woman got in common?
A] They both change their pads every 3 periods!!
Q: What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an arsehole?
A: Paul Keating's necktie.......
Q: What's red and white and grey all over?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
Q.. What does ann Abo call a corrugated sheet of metal?
A.. A Doona
Q. Why do Irish Dogs have flat noses?
A. Because they chase parked cars.
Q: How many books can you put on an empty shelf?
A: One. After that it isn't empty.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross again?
A: He wanted to be a dirty double crosser
What do you throw to a drowning boatie?
An Anchor.
Did you here about the Irishman that took his wife to an orgy?
He thought it was a B.Y.O. !!!
Did you hear about the two abo's on That's Incredible?
One had a job and the other didn't drink.
What is the heaviest thing in the world?
A shit, 'cause even super-man drops them.....
What is the lightest thing in the world?
A dick, 'cause it can stand up all by itself!!!!!...
What's brown and crusty and lies at the bottom of girl's underpants?
Clitty-Litter!!!!!..
What is the Sharpest thing in the world?
A fart, 'cause it rips through ya pants without tearing them.....
What's a pregnant womans nightmare?
A dingo with a yabby pump!
What's the one good thing about AIDS?
You can only catch it once!!!
What's the definition of a macho woman?
One who rolls her own tampons!!!
What kind of animal has a cunt on its back?
A Police horse!!!
What do you call an aboriginal lying down in the middle of the road?
A SPEED BUMP!
What is the difference between a dead kangaroo on the road and a dead
aboriginal on the road?
SKID MARKS FOR THE KANGAROO!!
What do you call an abbo with dandruff?
A LAMINGTON
What do you call an abbo with acne?
A CHOKITO
What do you call an abbo stuck between 2 rocks.
CHOCK - WEDGE
What do you call an abbo in a car?
A THIEF
What do you call an abbo with a gun?
SIR
What's transparent and lies in the gutter?
AN ABBO WITH THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF HIM
How do you get an aboriginal woman pregnant?
CUM IN THE GUTTER AND LET THE FLIES DO THE REST.
What do you do if an elephant comes in the window?
SWIM!!
What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
SAY SORRY AND WIPE IT OFF
What's white and hangs from the clouds?
THE COMING OF THE LORD
What's the best thing about getting head from an Ethiopean?
YOU KNOW SHE'LL SWALLOW
Why hasn't Santa Claus got any kids?
BECAUSE HE ONLY COMES ONCE A YEAR AND THAT'S DOWN CHIMNEYS!
How can you tell Dolly Parton's kids at a party?
There the ones with stretch marks arounds their mouths.
What part of Popeye never rusts?
The part he puts in Olive Oil.
Did you hear about the queer deaf mute?
Neither did he.
Why did they have to call off the leppers hockey game?
There wasn't a face left in the goal.
Did you hear about the man with 5 pricks?
His pants fit him like a glove.
Why do female parachutists wear jock-straps?
So they don't whistle on the way down.
How can you tell when a woman is wearing pantyhose?
Her ankles swell when she farts.
What do you get when you cross a whore with a computer?
A fucking know-all.
What does a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, one's coming and one's going.
Did you hear what happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
He got pissed off.
What's brown and has holes in it? - Swiss shit.
What's grosser than gross?
When you kiss your grandmother and she slips her tongue in.
What's so great about being a test tube baby?
You have a womb with a view.
Why do women have two holes close together?
In case you miss.
Why can't you circumcise an Arab?
Because there's no end to those pricks.
What's the difference between and abbo wedding and an abbo funeral?
One less drinker.
What's Greek foreplay?
Here Sheepie, Sheepie, Sheepie.
What do Rubik's cubes and dicks have in common?
The longer you play with them, the harder it gets.
What's a 72?
A 69er with 3 people watching.
Is sex better than dope?
It depends on the pusher.
What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
Because they have no balls to scratch.
Why do Irish women make the worst lovers?
Because they wait for the swelling to go down.
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
What do the Mafia and going down on a woman have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and your in shit.
Did you hear about the latest Irish attempt at Mt Everest ?
They ran out of scaffolding....
Do you know what the miracle of AIDS is?
It turns fruit into vegetables!
What's grosser than gross?
When you kiss your grandmother and she slips you the tongue.
What's a real friend?
Someone who will go downtown, get 2 blowjobs, come back, and give you one.
What is the difference between a woman kneeling in prayer and a woman in the
bath?
The woman kneeling in prayer has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her
hole.
Why do babies have soft spots on their heads?
So that when there is a fire, the nurse can carry them out 5 at a time.
What do you have when you have two blacks in a shoe box?
A pair of black loafers.
What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your lovers ass with a feather, perverted is when you
use the whole chicken.
What do you call a child raised in house of ill repute?
A brothel sprout.
How do you seperate the men from boys in a gay bar?
With a crowbar.
Did you hear about the deaf mute?
Neither did he.
What happened to the butcher when he backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his orders.
What do promiscious angels get?
Harpies.
What do you call a legless man waterskiing?
Skip.
What's organic dental floss?
Pubic hair.
What's a 69 and 69?
Dinner for four.
What's the difference between your sister and a cadillac?
Most people haven't been in a cadillac.
Did you hear about the two scottish gays?
Ben Dover and Phil McCrevice.
How can you tell an Italian plane on the runway?
It's the one with hair under its wings.
What do Linda Lovelace and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
They both swallow seamen.
Why did they have to call off the lepers hockey game?
There was a face off in the corner.
Did you hear about the man who had five pricks?
His pants fit him like a glove.
Why are the starship Enterprise and Toilet paper similar?
They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.
When does a cub become a boy scout?
When he eats his first brownie.
What's worse than lobster on your piano?
Crabs on your organ.
What do you call an Irishman in a tree?
A branch manager.
Why can't gypsies have babies?
Because their husbands have crystal balls.
What do you call an adolescent hare?
A pubic hare.
What's the last thing that goes through a cats mind as it's hit by a truck at
100 km/h?
It's arsehole.
What do gorillas and bulldozers have in common?
They both fuck up trees.
What do you get when you cross a whore with a computer?
A fucking know-all.
What is black, pink and hairy and sits on a wall?
Humpty-cunt.
What do you call a female sex change operation?
Addadicktomy.
Did you hear about the new German microwave?
It seats six.
What do you call an abortion in Czecholslovakia?
A stopped cheque.
Did you hear about the Ku Klux Knievel?
He tried to jump over 8 black men with a steamroller.
How do you get a black man out of a tree in Alabamma?
Cut the rope.
What's a 68?
You go down and I'll owe you one.
What do soya beans and dildos have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.
What's brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's first movement.
What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian grandmother?
Twenty pounds and a black dress.
An unemployed stripper begged her agent to
find her work. He cautioned her that the only job
available was at a longshoremen's convention--
typically a rough gig. Because she was broke, she
took the job anyway.
That evening, the agent walked into the hall
just as the stripper began her act. Before long,
the unruly crowd began pelting her with crushed
beer cans and cigarette butts while shouting
obscenities, issuing lewd catcalls and trying to
manhandle her. Halfway through her performance,
she ran off stage, sobbing.
"Look, they don't mean anything by it," the
agent said consolingly. "They've just had too
much to drink and----"
"No, no it's not them!" she exclaimed. "Did you
hear that f***ing band?"
Two miserable inhabitants of hell were taking a
walk when a frigid breeze blew. A moment later, a
storm dumped several inches of snow, reducing
the blazing fires to sizzling steam. The men
looked around in amazement.
"What do you suppose is going on?" one asked.
"Only thing I can figure," the other said, "is
that the Cubs went to the series."
Two doctors were putting on the ninth green
when one collapsed from a heart attack. "Help
me," he groaned to his companion.
"Sorry, my malpractice insurance won't cover
it," his partner replied, walking off the green,
"but I'll get help."
A few minutes later, he returned, picked up his
club and began lining up hit putt. The man on
the ground raised his head and screamed in
Disbelief, "I'm dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry. I found a doctor on the second
hole who said he'd come and help."
"The second hole? When the hell is he coming?"
"Hey, I told you not to worry," he said, stroking
his put. "They're going to let him play through."
Why did the Siamese twins got to England?
So the other one could drive for a while.
After a brief absence, a nurse returned to her
station and was quickly pulled aside by one of
her colleagues. "Shirley, your breast is out of your
uniform!"
"Oh, shit," the rumpled nurse replied,
glancing down. "Don't those damn doctors ever put
anything away?"
After a late night out with the boys, the man
undressed and slipped into bed with his wife. "Are
you awake honey?" he whispered. When he got
no response, he kissed her on the lips. "Hon, you
awake?" Still no response. He kissed her on both
breasts. "Hon, wake up." He kissed her on the
belly. She didn't move. Then he kissed her on
the knee.
"You son of a bitch!" she shrieked, bolting
upright. "If my pussy had been a bar, you wouldn't
have missed it!
Heard about Zsa Zsa's new fragrance?
It's called Conviction and you just slap it on.
Rumors in the fast-food industry have it that
McDonald's is preparing to test-market a new
burger made from bulls' lips. It'll be called the
McJagger.
One day in Russia, Rudy, a Communist Party member, was
discussing the upcoming stormy weather with his
wife,Helga. Rudy said it looked like a huge rainstorm was
coming,but Helga said it was surely snow! Rain, said Rudy
insistently!Snow, said Helga,stubbornly! This went on for
quite some time,until the exasperated husband finally said:
Rudolph the Red, knows rain,dear!!!!!!!
From the
JOKIN' AROUND DISK
by
LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
South Australia. 5159.